Infectious
by Sydella
Summary: Tsuna is seriously ill, but he has never felt better. After all, an illness can be a blessing in disguise. (Multiple pairings)


He's used to it by now, although he pretends that he isn't. The hungry and possessive stares from his Guardians, the caresses that linger a little too long from Dino. Enma's habit of laughing too hard at his jokes and Byakuran's wandering hands. Xanxus' predatory gaze which trails him whenever he visits Varia headquarters.

"Do you think," Tsuna asks Reborn one day over coffee and croissants, "that I have some kind of genetic condition which just somehow magically enables me to attract tons of other guys?"

"I don't know. What makes you say that?"

"Just a feeling, I guess."

Reborn smiles sweetly. "It's all in your head, Dame-Tsuna. More importantly, will you go out with me?"

Tsuna chokes on his coffee. "W-what?"

"You heard me. I'd like a straight answer, no pun intended."

"HIEEE?!"

X

With the help of Hibari (who keeps stroking his tonfas suggestively), Tsuna tracks down Verde's latest laboratory. It is surprisingly near Tsuna's house, hidden behind a copse of trees. The Lightning Arcobaleno is all smiles upon seeing Tsuna.

"Hello there, Reborn's _favourite_ student." Verde leers at the boy. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?"

"Hello, Verde. I need you to do something for me."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Do you know if there's any way I can find out about-"

"Your amazing ability to attract other men?" Verde's thin lips stretch in a sly smile. "I already know all about it."

Tsuna splutters. "Wait, what?"

Verde takes off his spectacles and polishes the lenses on his lab coat. "Why, yes. I have received so many requests over the past three weeks or so. And wouldn't you know, ninety-nine percent of those requests involved you." The scientist pauses a moment to let this information sink in.

"This can't be happening," Tsuna bleats. "Who exactly…?"

"Your friends. Your allies. Your enemies." Verde smiles gleefully at the look of horror on Tsuna's face. "Pretty much almost every guy you know."

Tsuna is, for the first time in a long while, rendered utterly speechless.

"Except me, of course," Verde adds as an afterthought. "Although, on second thought, I actually wouldn't mind."

With a scream of sheer terror, Tsuna pushes Verde away and runs for the hills. A disappointed Verde retreats into the laboratory.

"It's not every day that Da Vinci's reincarnation gets rejected," the Lightning Arcobaleno sighs.

X

When even the Vindice, of all people, start hitting on you, you know you've got a problem.

"But you guys can only feel hatred! And you're DEAD!" Tsuna shrieks, fending off Alejandro's attempts to feed him from a bowl of gross-looking prison food.

"The definition of 'dead' is entirely subjective," Bermuda remarks from his perch on Jager's shoulder. "And to a certain extent, we are occasionally able to feel emotions."

"The last time I saw you, you and your henchmen were killing people left right and centre!" Tsuna shouts, now positively squirming.

"I did not kill Superbi Squalo," Jager points out.

"Not for lack of trying." Tsuna finally manages to slip out of Alejandro's grasp. "Anyway, this has been fun and all, but I think it's time for me to go home."

"Must you leave so soon?" Jack asks, sounding more resigned than angry.

"Yes. I'm afraid I must." Tsuna leaves Vendicare Prison, careful not to show any signs of fear. Once the gates swing shut behind him, he breathes a sigh of relief and calls Basil for a lift. Minutes later, a CEDEF-issued car arrives.

"Kindly accept this humble transportation, Sawada-dono. We hath a long drive ahead of us. Hast thou been well?"

"Yes, thank you, Basil." Tsuna decides not to mention the Vindice's odd behaviour and happily basks in the warmth of the car. He is very comfortable, the most comfortable he has been in several days.

That is, until Basil leans over and steals a kiss.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Tsuna shouts, making Basil jump and swerve to avoid colliding with a lamppost.

"Sawada-dono, I deeply apologise! Carnal instincts spare no man!" Basil shouts back, his pale cheeks turning pink.

"I see." Tsuna takes a deep breath. "So you just randomly kiss another guy and then blame your instincts, is that it?"

"Er, yes."

"Pull over."

"I beg your pardon, my lord?"

"I said, _pull over_." Tsuna doesn't even wait until the car stops moving.

"Forgive me!" Basil wrings his hands, clearly on the verge of hysterics. "You may punish me in any way you wish, but pray do not deprive me of your glorious presence!"

"ENOUGH!" Tsuna roars, and stomps away without a backwards glance.

To be perfectly honest, he feels quite hysterical himself.

X

"Your problem is that you are just too cute for your own good." Spanner remarks, waving a lollipop tantalisingly in front of Tsuna's face.

Tsuna swats the mechanic's hand away. "Please don't say such things, Spanner-san!"

"Why not? We both know it's the truth." Spanner pats his head. "Don't worry, I won't fall for you. You're safe with me."

Tsuna almost sobs with relief. "Thank God. Can I stay here for a while?"

"Sure." Spanner turns to type something on his laptop. "How's your XX-Burner coming along, by the way?"

"Oh, it's great." Tsuna looks at his gloved hands. "As a matter of fact, I think I've finally perfected it."

Spanner looks up. "Seriously?"

Tsuna nods, just as Shoichi enters the room. "Hey, Tsuna."

"Hey, Irie-san!" Tsuna turns around and almost trips over a wire.

"Careful!" Shoichi reaches out to steady him. The two boys tumble to the floor in a heap, and Shoichi lands on top of Tsuna. They stare at each other for a moment before Shoichi scrambles away, his face almost as red as his hair. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry!"

"That's okay." Tsuna rubs a sore spot on his head where it had smacked against the floor. "It's my fault. I didn't see where I was going."

Shoichi smiles. "Shall I kiss it and make it better?"

"Huh?"

"Nothing! Forget I said anything!" the redhead grabs a manual and proceeds to hide his blushing face behind it.

"Shoichi, we've talked about this." Spanner snatches the book out of his fellow mechanic's hands.

Tsuna frowns at the duo. "Talked about what? What's going on?"

"I know, Spanner," Shoichi replies, ignoring Tsuna. "The thing is, he's easily scared. We can't afford to lose him in the early stages of the courting process."

"50-50 split, yes?"

"Of course, partner."

"I'm right here, you guys." Tsuna folds his arms. "Tell me what's going on."

Both Spanner and Shoichi turn to face him. Shoichi clears his throat. "We have decided that we're going to share you."

"Share…me?"

"Yup." Spanner unwraps yet another lollipop. "We are, of course, open to negotiation throughout the entire process. You are at perfect liberty to alter the arrangement whenever you wish."

"Hold on. Back up." Tsuna smiles nervously. "I don't understand what you're saying."

"We want to turn your XX-Burner into an XXX-Burner, if you know what I mean," Shoichi desperately tries to explain. "It would be awesome if we can rev your engine in a systematic way."

"What this dork is trying to say is that we want to fuck you," Spanner says pleasantly. "I hope that's enough clarification for you. Are you sure you don't want a lollipop? I remember that you like strawberry."

Tsuna's feet react even faster than his brain does. He runs like the wind, glancing back over his shoulder to see if they're following him. Holy crap, they are! He activates his Hyper Dying Will mode and flies to safety, landing in a cemetery.

"Ugh. That was awful." Tsuna finds his beloved ancestor's grave and hunkers down beside it. "Primo, please protect me."

A familiar voice unexpectedly answers him. "As you wish, little Decimo."

He lets out a high-pitched scream and falls over. "Primo, is that you?"

"Yes. I have awoken from my slumber." Giotto's ghost slowly materialises in front of him. "What are you doing in a cemetery at three in the morning, child?"

"I'm hiding, Primo."

"Good thinking, but even this place may not be safe." Giotto points towards the far end of the cemetery. Tsuna squints and is barely able to make out a couple of indistinct, humanoid shapes.

"Are those…people?"

"Not just any people. They are _your_ people."

"My people?" Tsuna takes a step forwards and peers at the intruders. "Shit, you're right. It's Gamma and Longchamp. Hey!" he raises his voice and waves at them. "What do you guys think you're doing?"

Instead of answering, the two Mafiosi silently disappear into the shadows. Frowning, Tsuna turns back to face his ancestor. "My life is very weird, Primo."

"I know. But you must get used to it."

"I don't want this. It's not fair."

"Life is not fair."

Tsuna can't think of anything to counter this statement, and turns his attention to Giotto's grave. "You died at the age of 27?"

"Correct." Giotto pulls Tsuna closer and drapes the folds of his cloak over his descendant, as if to shield Tsuna from the cold night air. "Contrary to popular belief, I died of tuberculosis."

Tsuna shivers, despite the cloak's warmth. "How awful."

"Oh, yes, it was very awful indeed." Giotto is silent for a few moments, then: "You must learn to use people's affection to your advantage."

"What do you mean?"

"Allies are easily won through the careful cultivation of romantic affection."

"So I'm supposed to seduce my friends?!"

Giotto purses his lips. "That's one way of looking at it."

"No way!" Tsuna tries to escape, but Giotto traps him in a bear hug.

"At least consider it, little Decimo. Our _famiglia_ takes precedence over everything else, including our personal desires. Always remember that."

Tsuna goes limp. "How could I forget," he replies tonelessly.

Giotto gently releases him. "I know you won't." A mischievous smile appears on the older man's face. "Besides, there is a silver lining."

"Oh yeah?"

"At the very least, you can trust that _I_ won't attempt to seduce you." Giotto looks close to laughing.

"Very funny." Tsuna turns to leave. "Thanks for your help, Primo. I'll think about your suggestion. Now I need to go home and get some sleep."

"Be careful," Giotto calls after him. "Danger lurks everywhere, you know."

"If you say so," Tsuna mutters.

When he's almost out of the cemetery, he pauses and looks back. The ghost of Giotto is gone as quickly as it had arrived, as if it was never there. But the long-dead ancestor's words ring in Tsuna's head.

It's time to take matters into his own hands.

X

The next day, Fuuta and Lambo compete to sit next to Tsuna, who compromises by seating them on either side of him.

"Tsuna-nii, check out my new origami collection!" Fuuta says insistently.

"No! Dame-Tsuna should see my sticker albums!" Lambo yells.

Tsuna smiles patiently at his surrogate younger brothers. "I'll have a look at both once I'm back from school, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay. The great Lambo-san is feeling generous today."

"Right." Tsuna finishes his breakfast and rushes out of the house. "See you later!"

When he's out of sight, the children look at each other.

"I want him to kiss me goodbye," Lambo sighs.

"I know." Fuuta's lower lip wobbles. "I do too."

X

At school, Tsuna is uncomfortably aware of his Guardians watching him, partly because they don't even bother to hide it. Ryohei walks past him several times, supposedly on the way to boxing club, until Tsuna finally realises that his Sun Guardian isn't really going anywhere. During lunch break, Ryohei falls into the school fountain, only for Yamamoto to fish him out. The two Guardians then resume staring at their boss as if nothing has happened.

"Ryohei-nii, your clothes are wet," Tsuna informs the older boy, approaching his unabashed Guardians.

"Huh?" Ryohei looks down at his sodden uniform as if noticing it for the first time. "Oh, yeah. Well, I'm the Sun Guardian. I'll be dry in no time!" He laughs. Yamamoto and Tsuna just stare at him, and his laughter peters out. "Ahem. So um, what are you doing later today, Sawada?"

"Yeah, Tsuna," Yamamoto chimes in, watching the young boss closely. "What are you doing after school?"

Remembering Giotto's advice, Tsuna forces a smile. "Can I hang out with you guys?"

Both Guardians visibly perk up. "I thought you'd never ask!" Yamamoto's right arm returns to its rightful place, settling comfortably around Tsuna's shoulders. "Where do you want to go? Arcade? Cinema? Park?"

"Let's just go to your place."

"But you already eat sushi everyday. Don't you get sick of it?"

"Sick?" Tsuna suddenly has a flash of inspiration. "No, I'm not sick of sushi. But…" He pauses for dramatic effect. Yamamoto and Ryohei actually lean forwards, and he has to suppress a laugh. "I _am_ sick, in general." He puts a hand on his chest. "I'm lovesick, you see."

"Lovesick?" Yamamoto's voice is hoarse.

"Love…sick?" Ryohei frowns, as if he is unsure what the word means.

"Yes." Tsuna gives them his cutest smile and hastily stifles another laugh as they almost fall over. Maybe Giotto has a point after all.

"Who's lovesick?" Gokudera arrives, panting with exertion. "I've been running from my sister," he explains, upon seeing Tsuna's questioning look. "Anyway, who's lovesick?"

"I am." Tsuna winks at him.

Gokudera blushes. "You are, Tenth? I mean, of course you are!" In an attempt to appear nonchalant, he leans against the bench encircling the school fountain, and proceeds to fall inside.

"Oh no, not you too, Gokudera-kun!" Tsuna wails.

"I'm fine, don't worry! Just a bit wet!" Gokudera laughs sheepishly as he awkwardly clambers out. A crowd begins to gather. One of the school's handsomest and most popular students is now standing silhouetted against the sun like a Greek god statue, and his white shirt is sticking to his well-defined torso like an enormous transparent plaster. Cue chaos in three…two…one…

X

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, OCTOPUS-HEAD!" Ryohei yells. The four boys are sprinting towards the school basement as hordes of screaming fangirls chase them.

"HOW IS IT MY FAULT, TURF-TOP?!"

"YOU JUST HAD TO GO AND FALL INTO THE FOUNTAIN! NOW YOUR CRAZY FANS ARE GOING TO KILL US!"

"YOU ALSO FELL INTO THE FOUNTAIN, REMEMBER?!"

"YEAH, BUT _I_ AM NOT A SCHOOL IDOL!"

"Stop arguing, you two!" Tsuna skids to a stop. "Okay, we're here."

They rush into the school basement and slam the door shut. Safe at last.

"This is fun!" Yamamoto laughs. "We should do this every day."

"No, we should not!" Tsuna wheezes. "I don't think my heart could take it."

"For once, I agree with the small animal," a cold and clear voice cuts in. "You should not, under any circumstances, agitate the idiotic masses of my school. Especially since hiding in my school's basement increases your chances of getting bitten to death by at least one thousand percent."

Hibari emerges from behind a filing cabinet, gripping his ever-present tonfas. The smile on the delinquent's face promises death.

"Hibari-san, we can explain," Tsuna shrieks, flailing.

"Then explain."

"We, erm, we're running from Gokudera-kun's fan club because he fell into the fountain."

"That is not a satisfactory explanation, small animal. Time's up."

"No, wait! It's my fault. Please don't punish Gokudera-kun. This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't told anyone that I'm lovesick." Tsuna makes a show of staring into the distance, eyes welling up with tears and lower lip wobbling. Wow, he should totally win an Oscar for this.

Hibari's grey eyes narrow. "Lovesick?"

Tsuna nods, pretending to sniffle. "I told them-" he points at the other Guardians, who are now looking utterly gobsmacked-"that I feel sick because I'm so in love. I guess Gokudera-kun wasn't ready to hear that, so he fell into the fountain. And then his fans got too excited and started chasing us because his shirt was wet and he's popular. So here we are."

There is a long, uncomfortable pause.

"I see," Hibari eventually says.

"Heh." Tsuna smiles weakly.

Hibari slowly puts his tonfas away and walks towards Tsuna. "But whom, exactly, are you in love with?"

"Er…" Tsuna looks around. The four older boys are staring at him in a way that would make anyone uncomfortable. Before he can think of an appropriate response, the door suddenly crashes open and dozens of schoolgirls flood into the room. Gokudera's fans have found him.

"Gotta go, bye!" Tsuna yells, and makes his escape during the ensuing fracas.

"Tenth, wait!" Gokudera screams, but his fans are like a swarm of passionate female locusts and soon all four Guardians are crushed beneath their adoring flesh.

Tsuna closes the door on a scene that would not look out of place in a horror movie about boy bands.

X

"People ask me why I'm such a skirt-chaser." Dr Shamal bustles around his clinic, scribbling notes on scraps of paper and lovingly smoothing out the many pornographic posters tacked onto the walls. "Just one look at how frazzled you are and I have the answer."

"Well, it's not like I asked the universe to make other guys fall for me!" Tsuna sits on a couch. "I'm just trying to make the best of my circumstances. I hope today's incident was a one-off thing."

"Oh yes, you'd better hope so." The doctor rummages in a drawer full of syringes and selects the smallest one. "When I was in medical school, I experimented a little bit. Just for fun, you know. These things happen. Some of the guys I fooled around with took it way too seriously, and quite frankly, I was afraid for my life."

Tsuna stares at him. "What happened?"

"Well." Dr Shamal closes the drawer and turns to face him. "Let's just say there's a very good reason why I became an assassin, instead of finishing medical school like my parents wanted me to. Roll up your right sleeve."

Tsuna complies, and silently watches as the doctor inserts the needle into his right arm.

"Mm. Nicely done." Dr Shamal presses the power button on a machine labelled BLOOD TESTING. "Now just sit back, relax and your results will let us know if there are any medical reasons for your fucked-up love life."

"Interesting choice of words." Tsuna tries to relax as Dr Shamal does his work.

X

The sun is setting when Tsuna returns to his house, his head buzzing with what Dr Shamal has told him.

"There you are, No-Good Tsuna. You were supposed to come home hours ago." Reborn glances at Tsuna's hands, which are clutching a booklet. "What's that?"

"Huh? Oh, this." Tsuna gazes down at the booklet, which contains an abundance of scientific jargon. "Dr Shamal gave it to me. Apparently I have…" he swallows hard. "Enchanter Disease."

Reborn raises an eyebrow. "I've never heard of it. Is it infectious?"

"Kind of." Tsuna opens the booklet and leafs through it until he finds a page he'd dog-eared earlier. "Symptoms of Enchanter Disease include a sudden meteoric rise in popularity rankings and an ability to make anyone of the same gender within a five-mile radius fall in love with you," he reads out loud. "Patients are also advised to avoid bodies of water, because enchanted people tend to fall into them, potentially causing property damage and decreased immunity to flu."

"Well, there you have it." Reborn smiles. "You were asking me a few days ago if you have a condition that makes other guys fall for you. Now you know that you do."

"Yes. I have no choice but to deal with this." Tsuna squares his shoulders.

"You haven't answered my question, idiot."

"What question?"

"Will you go out with me?"

"Er…" Tsuna feels the warm rays of the setting sun on his face, or maybe it's just that a blush is heating his face like an egg being fried on the pavement. "Well, you're physically still a child. I'm not a paedophile."

"Are you rejecting me?" Reborn demands, taking out his gun.

"N-no!" Tsuna remembers Dr Shamal's advice and frantically backpedals as Reborn watches him through narrowed eyes. "I mean, I just don't feel very sure about this. Let me think about it, okay?"

Reborn hesitates, then shrugs. "Fair enough."

With a relieved smile, Tsuna escapes into his bathroom and closes the door firmly behind him. Now all he needs to do is spend the new few hours locked in here, hoping against hope that no one will try to take a bath with him.

"Good evening, Tsunayoshi-kun." Byakuran sticks his head in through the bathroom window. "Oh, so this is your bathroom. I didn't see it the last time I was here. You really should give me a tour of your house sometime. We're practically family after all, and your mother clearly doesn't mind. Taking a bath, are you? Excellent! For some reason I've been feeling a strong attraction to bodies of water, although of course it's not as strong as my attraction to you."

"Kufufufu," a disembodied voice pipes up from behind the shower curtains. "Three's a crowd, Mr. Angel Wings. I have business with Sawada Tsunayoshi. I strongly suggest that you amuse yourself elsewhere."

"No can do, Mukuro-kun."

Tsuna closed his eyes. Talk about tempting fate, eh? Oh well, there are worse ways to spend a beautiful summer evening. As Byakuran gingerly squeezes through the window, Tsuna shoves the shower curtains aside and flings himself at a very startled Mukuro.

If the gods have even the smallest shred of mercy, Reborn won't hear about this.

X

Someday, Tsuna knows, he will have to explain to his children and grandchildren the concept of a harem and why they have so many self-styled 'uncles' who relentlessly pursue their father wherever he goes.

Until that day comes, he's content to just hang on and enjoy the ride.


End file.
